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Thursday, 23 April 2009

Currently
Lies for the Liars
By The Used
see related
Today, on my mind....

...is my best friend. Well, one of them. I shall try to explain my situation the best I can, without getting upset, or just pissed off. Back in January, I was spending a week with my (old) best friend, Lindsey, and one of her friends, Ryan, had just broke up with his girlfriend and was having a hard time, so he came over to hang out with us for a while. Ryan and I became really good friends. Lindsey and I drifted apart... which is an understatement. It really involved weeks of yelling at each other constantly, along with Ryan, and my other best friend, Courtney. None of us are friends with Lindsey anymore, and after that whole thing, plus a few months of Ryan being a rrrrreaaaaallllyyy great friend towards me, I started having feelings for him. Well this was only a few weeks ago. And I was talking to another guy, Mike, whiiich, as of yesterday, we baaaasically ended whatever we did/didn't have.
Now, Ryan has known for about, 2 weeks that I like him. And talking to him a few nights ago, he informed me that he liked me before, but he didn't do anything about it because of Mike. So after the whole, pretend "break up" scene with Mike last night, Ry was realllly happy about it. BUT! Now he's sort of with a girl (It's wayyyy complicated and hard to explain), but he just doesn't see me like that anymore I guess. But he'll say weird things, like, we were talking about napping out in the sun together today, and I said I shouldn't have said anything about it, or about how I wanted to. He said that I shouldn't worry about saying stuff like that, because it made him smile.
Anyways, Becky (Ry's... person) is leaving in like, a month to go back home up north, and he's kinda stressing it because he really likes her, and he doesn't know whats going to happen. Is it stupid for me to actually think I might have a chance after she leaves, or should I just give up? I dunno. Thhhhat, is my story. :/

Tuesday, 03 March 2009

In Response To Something Hurtful

To Whom It May Concern (Don't worry, you'll know who you are):
In response to our recent phone call, I have a few things that I'd like to say, that I know I won't be able to say outloud, or to your face.. To your face especially because you're a thousand miles away. But don't worry, I plan to get it all out right here, and if you don't like it, well that kind of sucks doesn't it? Because this is the only way I know how.
First off, I'd like to point out the money issues. "700 dollars for my time and 300 a month after that"? Thanks, but I'll save that for college, or a place of my own. Especially paying you for your time? Ouch dad, that hurts. I mean, I realize it's 24 hours round trip, and it's a lot of money, but I haven't really had too much of your time before until I moved in. Yeah, I still kinda blame you for leaving, and then having no phone calls for months at a time. I'm 19, but I'm still your daughter, you should be trying to help me, not making me pay you money that could be going towards college or saving for a place of my own. Which is the only reason I'd move back anyways, because when I got there I didn't know anybody, which, growing up in PI, I knew everybody, and everybody knew everything about me. I had a fresh start, and I gave it up for stupid reasons, and I really thought Minnesota would be better than it was before. And I was wrong. So I'm saying no, I am not paying you that money.
Second, I am not a maid. Soooo when you suddenly attack me with the fact that I'm not cleaning YOUR house. I didn't live there so that you could leave pop cans all over the house for me to pick up. Yes, I understand that I wasn't really doing a whole lot, but still not your maid. If you asked me to do something, I did it, but I wasn't around to clean up your mess.
Third, I am not running away from whatever situation I think I'm in. But thanks for your concern. I WAS running TOWARDS a better situation. Both when I left, and when I asked to come back. When I decided to leave, it was because I was told that there would be a place of my own, and I was homesick, and I felt attacked by you guys. So yeah, I left, running away, or going towards something, I don't really care, I left. Coming back, I was looking at jobs in Conway versus Rochester. There are a lot more in Conway, and I don't really care if Seth is looking for a job or not. Okay, I can't say I don't care, but my point is, we were talking about ME, not Seth, he's not your kid.
Fourth, Why do I want to come back? All reasons? Yes, because I loved the place, and I miss everybody there. Because yes, things looked better here than they did there and then I found out that they weren't. Because when I came back, Mike had a good job, and then mom got a job too, so that maybe the things would have been better. I mean, maybe I could have found a cheap car so then I could at least get to Rochester to get a job. Then Mike got laid off, and now they have mom's part time job to support them. I'm going back and forth between my best friend's couch, my grandparent's couch, and living in my mom's craft room. So I'm kind of feeling a little homeless right now.
But I'm pretty sure I had another point but I'm kind of pissed off, soooo yeah. Don't really wanna call about this either. Don't really wanna talk about it unless somehow you think you can help. Sooo yep. Ttyl.

Saturday, 21 February 2009

Currently
Famous
By Puddle of Mudd
see related
Two Months.

In all of this world, there is one thing I don't think I'll ever understand. It's how everything seems to get bad all at once. Then again, maybe I shouldn't say that, since I've got a great guy in my life now.
Two months ago, I had a great life. I mean, I knew things were missing but I knew how to fix it. I needed a job, and to get into school. I didn't have to worry about money as much, and if I needed something, then I still could get it. And trust me, I'm all about necessities. Well usually, my weaknesses are new books and going to see movies. Food too sometimes, but that wasn't a problem where I was either. The weather was warm, and it rained quite a bit, but I liked that. It was the first time I had rain a week before Christmas rather than snow. And the fall, the fall amazed me. I always thought I knew how the leaves changed colors and how fall smelled, until I lived in Arkansas and realized that fall wasn't about the leaves falling on the ground before they could change into all the colors. And the summer, oh how I loved summer there. I loved it so much that it makes me want to cry when I think about it. It's hot, and beautiful. It was all about music, concerts, fun, swimming, my family, and our group of friends. This place showed me that there was something better in life than trying to get out of where ever I was. I was happy.
I can't believe it's been two months since I left. Over two months since I've seen any of them. My dad, Reane', Seth, Brian, Joel, Josh, Garret, Eric, and everybody else. I miss them all, my dad and Reane' because they're my parents. They gave me everything I needed. I miss Seth because of his dumb ass drunk stories, which usually involved his best friend Brian who always talked to me about what I was going to do when I "grew up". And Joel, "the guy that's in the group, but not", the one that is most likely to find himself in a messed up situation like talking to a gay guy that "called the wrong number" for two hours, the one that knew to tell me the truth even if I didn't want to hear it. Josh, and all of his quietness, and his brother Garret, who, after almost two hours finally kicked my ass in one game of darts. And Eric! My dad's best friend, the guy who is going to change my life either way with a job, the guy that still loves us all even after we call him gay for the 29920498th time.
It's been two months since I've seen a comedian, two months since I've thrown a dart, two months since I went on a random shopping trip, two months since I was honestly and truly happy. Two months is too long. I've got to go home.
That was my life there. Don't get me wrong, my life here isn't complete shit. I've got good friends. The best. But that's all. The guy that I'm absolutely crazy about isn't here either. There's a lot more pressure here, and this is the type of place that would just murder my dreams right in front of me. I've been here for the majority of my life and I can feel everything I am just slipping away from me. I've hardly written anything in the past two months either. I decided yesterday that I need to go back, and today, for the first time in two months, I picked up my notebook and a pen and wrote a little. I don't know what it is about Arkansas, but it's love. And it's not that I want to stay there forever either, no, that could get bad. But I think.. for right now, where I am in my life, who I need to be, what I am, that's where I've got to be.
For my last thought, just thinking about going back there, it makes me happier than I've been in a while too.

Time to go home.

Monday, 12 January 2009

My 100.

Okay, I sooo understand that somebody already did this or more than one somebody but everybody's different right? So maybe everybody should do one and you can learn about other people. So there, thats my excuse for not coming up with my own ideas yet. :D
1. I've written a book but it's going through the editing process and then I'm hoping to get it published.
2. I am the oldest of five girls. My three stepsisters, Stepheny, 17, Kolbie, 16, Aubrey, 12. Then my half-sister, Brianna, 4.
3. I was an only child until I was 15.
4. I moved to California when I was six months old then moved back to Minnesota when I was three.
5. I lived in Arkansas for six months and I miss it completely. See 34.
6. I graduated from an online high school, which I transferred to, six months before graduation.
7. I've only been to about, four concerts in my life. Two of them were absolutely amazing.
8. I currently live with my parents, in my mom's craft room / my sisters play room.
9. I've seen Star Wars more than likely over a hundred times.
10. I don't like "The End". Like, the last Star Wars movie, or the last Harry Potter or Twilight book. I like when things can keep going.
11. Technology makes me happy. Especially when its new and I haven't figured it out yet.
12. My birthday is my least favorite day of the year. My youngest sister's birthday is my most favorite.
13. I've lived in six different houses in the past two years.
14. My dog is one of my best friends. Any dog could make me happy. They just make things better.
15. I get my littlest sister to do things that I don't want to. "Brianna, can you go get my ipod for me?" And she's usually happy to do it.
16. I worked in a nursing home, folding laundry for a year.
17. I live for music.
18. I'm religious in a weird way. I haven't been to church since last July, but He is my life.
19. I would give anything for my sisters to have the best lives possible.
20. I'm scared of spiders. And scared or even terrified is an understatement.
21. I have my lip pierced.
22. People don't realize that I like being a role model even if I'm a thousand miles away from my little sister.
23. People also don't realize that the only thing that I will ever be happy doing in my life, is writing.
24. Musicians, will always make me happy.
25. I forgot what it was like to actually be around people.
26. I have six cousins, Matt, Ashley, Mikey, Jesse, Reed, and Will. Matt and Mikey are more like my brothers.
27. When I lived closer to Matt and Mikey, we went to the movie theatre just about once a week.
28. I've been unemployed since August 08.
29. My stepmom and I would go shopping. More than once we would come home with 300 dollars worth of clothes between the two of us. My dad quickly put a stop to our shopping.
30. We also went to The Loony Bin, the comedy club, at least once a week. Sometimes twice if we were bored.
31. My parents have told me that I need a fake id.
32. I'm 19. I look 16.
33. I almost changed my last name. I'm glad I didn't.
34. I miss Arkansas more than anything and all I want to do is go back. The sad part: I've only been gone for two weeks.
35. I don't like monkeys.
36. I don't like when people buy me necklaces because I usually only wear my cross.
37. I have a tattoo.
38. Minnesota breaks my heart.
39. I walk quietly, and I tend to scare people because they don't hear me coming. I truly don't try to.
40. I'm surprised I've found even 40 things that I can write.
41. There is one person that doesn't matter to me, and yet matters more than almost anything. The one person that I've NEVER been nervous around, well, generally. The one person that I've just, never been scared to be me around.
42. I'm fairly competitive.
43. I love playing darts.
44. My sister just told me I'm good of a sharer. So I guess I know how to share. haha.
45. I hate math.
46. I want to live in Seattle someday.
47. I want to go to Italy, Ireland, England, Germany, Poland, France, and probably a few other places that I can't think of.
48. I have over a thousand songs on my Zune.
49. I like acting like a kid. Being a grown up is boring. I'm not immature, I just know how to have fun.
50. I like snow for the first five minute of winter, then it just needs to disappear.
51. I'm Irish, Polish, and German. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
52. I'm pretty random, and I ramble. So I'll be talking about one thing and then remember something else and just be all, OH! Yup. That happens, a lot.
53. I hate when people assume that I don't know what I'm doing with my life just because I'm not in school or don't have a job. I'm not just sitting there doing nothing; I'm writing. Thats my future, sorry if you don't approve.
54. I honestly do not understand why or how people lie. And don't get me wrong, I've lied before, but I don't anymore and I guess, I just don't get it anymore.
55. "Make yourself happy, because nobody else is going to do it for you." I try to live by that, even though I've been an idiot lately.
56. I truly believe the snow and winter, make people even more depressed. It just seems like life sucks so much more than it should in the cold.
57. I've kept movie tickets from the past two years. They're in my purse. Ask me about 'em, I'll pull them out and show you. Haha.
58. I like poetry, and short stories.
59. I would jump Johnny Depp if I saw him in the street somewhere. And then, I have been told, I would be in jail.
60. I am now surprised that I can find 60 things about myself, even if it is just randomly dumb stuff now.
61. When clothes shopping, I trust my stepdad over my mom to pick out the good clothes.
62. My dad and I listen to a lot of the same music.
63. I'm a hippie, anarchist, crazy teenager.
64. My ex likes to randomly talk to me about "my goals in life". He can be a jerk. He is also not so hippie, anarchist, or crazy as I am.
65. The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars is on my IPod right now. This song is always one that can make me happy.
66. My Chemical Romance is my favorite band, even though I think they've sold out a little.
67. I would LOVE to organize an event for suicide awareness with some amazing bands.
68. Strawberries are my favorite fruit, but I'll only eat them with sugar. Haha.
69. I won my laptop at post-prom, where one of my friends won a camera. Her camera quit working.
70. I ate ostrich when I was little. I think I spelled that wrong.
71. I enjoy making desserts.
72. My laptop is missing four keys. My dog jumped on the laptop and knocked the keys out about a month after I got it.
73. I have amazing memory. Well, with dates, and random stuff like that.
74. I've texted people who are right next to me.
75. My cousin and I used to send each other pictures of fire. My aunt took away his texting.
76. I made the mistake of telling my mom about a nightmare that starred The Joker from The Dark Knight infront of my sister about, six months ago. My sister still talks about it.
77. There's no day but today. (I like the Rent soundtrack.)
78. I LOVE singing, and blaring music, and singing to the blaring music at the top of my lungs.
79. Peanut is my favorite comedian. Jeff Dunham comes in second. Haha.
80. I've seen Seether, Puddle of Mudd, Shinedown, and Finger Eleven in concert. Three of those are in my top five fav bands. The lead singer of Puddle of Mudd giggles funny.
81. I like making people laugh.
82. My best friend calls me a pervert on almost a daily basis.
83. Speaking of best friend, I'd be lost without her.
84. I cleaned my sisters room the other day out of boredom.
85. Then I cleaned her mess in my room.
86. I want to intern for To Write Love On Her Arms someday.
87. If I could, I'd ditch "Chelsea" and go by my middle name, Mae.
88. I still can't believe I made this choice.
89. I just made bunny ears with my headphone cord. And my ipod just died.
90. I used to insist that Minnesota was its own country, and Rochester was a state. I was little.
91. Okay, 9 things left. Things I've done, I'll try to stick to that, so number 91, I have... gone swimming in 40 degree weather. I'm pretty sure I wont be doing that again.
92. I have been to probably, over half of the country. I can't even remember a lot of it. Florida and DC were my favorite vacations but Texas was one of my favorite random places to be.
93. I have made my friends laugh when they were crying. My friends come to me with their problems. I'm not going to turn them away.
94. I have eaten an entire thing of pringles or even a bag of chips in one sitting. I'm a pig.
95. I have taught my sister how to say home skillet or mad skills. Four year olds, pff.
96. I have gotten in trouble for skipping school, on more than one occasion. Pine Island sucked.
97. I have spent an entire paycheck on a new phone. Which stopped working four months later.
98. I have called my dad's best friend gay. Okay, that's not a very good one, lets think of another one. I have, had arguments with grown men, about if Spongebob was gay or not.
99. I have never broken a bone in my body.
100. I have been crazy, lost, sad, annoying, happy, fake, profound, and a million other different things. But now, I assure you, I am just me.